The Infinite Staircase

Had a tough day. Did all that I had to during the day, did my work at office, met some important people, met my mentors and was returning home.. After a couple of calls from home, I decided to speed up a little bit. The thing about riding back home post 11:00 PM is that there is not much of people involvement - be it the traffic, the pedestrians or the most irritating honking of the impatient drivers. You are with yourself, or more importantly I was with myself. Or was I? I enjoy the cool Bangalore breeze riding back with little water droplets pouring from the sky. "I don't want to get wet" I prayed to the rain God. I smelt the remnants of the deep fried gram flour from the half opened tea stall. I felt slightly nervous when I saw a pack of four dogs about to start a "Let's bark at at all two wheelers and scare them to shit" campaign.. I suddenly remembered what I tried couple of days back. I honked at the dogs and to my surprise they actually stepped back. I was relieved. My friend tells me to stop the bike when I encounter a pack of dogs... The tenacious me always does the opposite. I glanced at the fuel tank and just hope that I reach home. My Activa has always been with me through thick and thin and has run on fumes, smokes when it has to run on fuel. I reflect on things that I learnt during the day. Legendary coach John Wooden says "It's what you learn after you know it all that counts", and John Maxwell tells us that to continuously learn and win you need to "Prepare, Reflect and Apply". Call me an egoist, but I like winning. I mean who wants to lose in life? To win, I know it takes some sweat and that's what I do when I'm with someone I love and respect the most - ME. In reflection I realize I should not have done some things, and some things which I could improve upon. "Be impatient with self, but be patient with others" is what I read somewhere. I am 100% in the first half of it, but not even 20% in the second half of it.

I was enjoying the ride and wanted to slow down and not reach home yet, but then I also like my room, where the poster of the Eagle looks at me with anticipation. I am almost there. The dark skies remind me that I need to wait for the sun to show up for a fresh start. I slow down my bike and shut off the engine. My bike hums silently and the brakes are about to squeal. I stop. I get off the bike and my legs hurt. I bend down and massage my calf muscles and relax. I open the gates and suddenly a storm rushes behind me. The power goes off and I am unable to see anything. I try to start my bike for the headlights and it refuses to start. Empty tank! I flip out my cell phone from the pocket and try to find the stairs to go up. No use, the light's not bright at all. The moon sneers at me from behind the clouds and asks me to find my own way. I curse at nature and watch my feet. I still try to use my phone light and I can see the outline of a staircase. I look for the first step and see that it is a staircase made of black marble. It shone even in the dark. "Whose house is this?" I think to myself and hold myself back. "Do I live here?". My house has a staircase made of tiles, this is not my house. I get scared and start running towards the gate. The moon's aura from behind the dark clouds was daunting me. "Get out from there and help me out will you?" I thought with rage in my eyes. The gate seemed to be locked. "Who the hell locked the gates?" I screamed in a hush tone. Mustering some courage I looked back and saw the outline of the staircase again. The staircase at my house has about 20 steps but this one was going straight up into abyss. It must have taken a thousand construction workers to build this one. What was I getting into? Shall I step onto it? I remembered about the movie "Kung Fu Panda" and realized it's about "Belief". What you believe you can achieve. "This is not my house" says my mind, but I believe that it is my house and start to climb the stairs. I see a faint light at the top. That must be the answer to what I seek. The aura of that light was growing. My feet pulled me back. I slipped, my feet couldn't get back together, I was about to fall back. I held onto the railings tightly. "This is an indication buddy. Get out of here" said the big red dog in me. "No. Hold onto the railings and go up" said the meager white dog. Who do I listen to? "This is my house" I shout and start to move up slowly.. It might take me years to go up there, but I will. I will conquer all odds and fulfill what was put inside of me. I will take the infinite staircase and go up. The black marble reflects my image in every step. A faint red light illuminated below my feet. I did not look at it as I felt it was not important. I wanted to be engulfed in the bright aura at the top. "Inch by inch it's a cinch" I think to myself and slowly ascend.

The anonymous feeling

I wake up in the middle of the night bitten badly by a snake. A swift and a dark cobra that is waiting to steal my last breath. Panic struck I sit on my bed, remembering what went wrong in the day, that I need to see myself die in a dream? My blood rising to it's maximum, I silently look at the time on my cell phone. 12:00 A.M it reads. I've been sleeping only for 15 mins, I slept at 11:45. "Sleep Vinod, You're alive" says my mind, my heart still finishing the final 100m of the derby. It seemed like an eternal chase. A chase with my own self. My throat says "I've gone dry, pour in some elixir". I silently spring out of the bed towards the water jug and fill a glass of water and soothe my nerves. I hear soft snores from my parents' room. I smile to myself, maybe it was just a sign. A sign to shut myself from all negative and move on. I love the nights. I felt like sitting up all night and rediscovering myself. I switch on my laptop. I login to "Facebook", the response says "Page cannot be found". "I blocked the website" I think to myself, how dumb of me. I quickly go and unblock it. My mind pats my back saying "You suck at this self control thingy". I look into profiles of people whom I really like. Then I look into profiles of people whom I want to like and know, then I look at some pictures of my loved ones.. Happiness starts to speak to me like a long lost cousin. As a human being I discover my biggest strength and my biggest weakness are people and relationships. I get really attracted to people who have a great smile. I am turned off by people who smile cause it's an obligation. There are some who smile only to cameras. "Why aren't some people with me?". Some of my most dearest people have either moved out of my life, or out of this world. I cry with deepest emotions. The moist eyes blur my vision of the most beautiful smiles who I wish to see in front of me right now. They are not my friends yet, they will be. The dim light of my room makes me feel lonely. What made the snake bite me ? Why did I get this dream? I'm the kind who does not let a dream go waste. My dreams speak to me, my dreams tell me what I should correct. Where I went wrong. I trace back a couple of days and see if something could improve my situation. I lift my head up. I look up at the stack of books on my book shelf, 25 books lined up to be read. I read somewhere. It said "If a man empties his purse into his head, no one can steal it from him". So true. I invest into my head, my future. I am proud of my brain, my thoughts, my abilities. My ability to know people, my ability to get into anyone's life and know more about them. My passion about knowing people, my passion to get an entry into their deepest emotions. I fall in love with emotions of other people. When they speak with passion I have tears in my eyes.. When they speak with agony, I enter into their darkest dungeons. What is making me unhappy now? I definitely know what is adding fuel to the fire, but that's not the main reason. I have a discourse with my hippocampus, still unsatisfied cause it does not solve my purpose. A close friend of mine said "You know your situation, it is easy to solve this". Yes. Perfectly right. I am close to solving it, I usually am, but not near enough yet. Victor Frankl's book on my shelf screams out to me "Man's Search for Meaning". Yes. I guess I haven't figured it out yet. I know I need to take one step at a time. I know if I take care of the present, my future is taken care of. I am about to switch off my laptop, looking at the unknown smiling faces, I still sigh that they are not with me yet, smile to myself and tell my heart that I will set it right. My heart whistles at my mind asking it to switch it back to sleep. I sleep, still thinking about the unknown smiling faces. Inner Peace.