It was time...

My world sleeping, my mind awake.. 

My right hand trembled to the noise outside the gates..

I peered through the slightly opened window..

It was him... His face burning with rage..

He held a slit labrador's head..

His eyes blood filled.. 

I felt nauseated.. Sweat soaked..

He tapped the door with the head...

I turned around and screeched at my mirror image..

I tripped and fell on the edge of the table..

I screamed for help, to only realize I couldn't talk..

My larynx was dead.. I spewed blood..

Luna smiled at the blood on the black granite...

His job was done.. He knew it..

He laughed over my final rituals..

He had tears in his eyes as he laughed.. 

Black blood oozing out of his eyes.. 

I was gone and so was he... 

It is so easy to get disappointed.. It is so easy to get hurt... Why do we get hurt or disappointed? Is it just because we "expect" people to behave the way we want them to? If we do expect a way in which people must behave why do we say, "There's no one like me"? If someone disappoints us, we immediately think "this person is not worth the time i give.. ","Come on.. I didn't expect you to say that..."... What is this? We do believe no one is like us, but still believe in the fact that people will behave according to our expectations... Fair enough? What do we really want out of ourselves? Why am I so disppointed with life all the time? Keep out the expectations and life always looks good... It's a time consuming process and very difficult to keep up... You would falter, but believe in yourself... Expectations have a lot of tags attached.. Lack of space, Anger, disappointments etc.. We can't see beyond a point... Any negative feeling for that matter helps us in not seeing something concrete... We get hurt and don't let the other person speak at all... Just cause we expect the person to behave according to what we need, not how they actually want to behave... Criticism is always good to your living... People always criticise you... People observe a lot.. People assume a lot.. Only when we give a negative indication to a person will we receive a reaction with assumptions involved or with judgement... We don't realize that, cause we don't want to be proved wrong... EVER!!! We always people to live our way, cause we want to be happy.. Why can't there be a world full of love, caring and sharing and all the empathy that we need...? Why can't we give people what they need and give them our attention and watch what speak and maintain good relations.. ? We say a person is not good, just cause he/she doesn't cater upto our expectations.. :) I do it.. No denial.. but, this is what we're taught since childhood by everyone around us.. We're taught not to go near someone, cause he/she is not good... If we don't like someone, we make it a point to teach others and make them believe that the person is not good.. :) Expectations is one thing we need to get over.. People simply say "I have no regrets", but that's just satisfying yourself, it's just saying I have nothing to do with this... It simply means someone didn't cater upto your expectation, so you just ruin everything setup, and have no regrets... We need to grow, for others to grow... :) 

"Dude, I was hurt today by what you said".... How many times have we said this in our lives or thought about? Countless? Hurt? What was hurt? Do we really sit n think what was really hurt? Or was it how the person expressed his/her feelings?.. What is it ? Do we know it's the simple and plain 3 letter word which was hurt? Our 'ego'? So what does this 'ego' look like ? M. Scott Peck says there are 2 kinds of people, One are the 'Neurotics', these are people who blame themselves so much that they get used to blaming themselves for every problem and lead a horrible life, the other set the 'Character Disordered' people, these people blame only others for their problems and never will accept their mistake in the situation... So what's it like to see these people? How do you ever deal with the latter kind of people? Do you think they would ever sit in one place n think they can solve their issues by looking deeper into why the problem was there in the initial, and would they ever accept their mistakes? 

Why don't these people see beyond a certain point? It's simple again.. It's their 'ego' that stops them... So what is this 'ego' really? Who defines our ego? Other People? May be? Ourselves? Or do we define it under pressure of others? The latter's the problem... We always define ego with respect to others.. So why do we have this problem? Have we ever known that 'fear' could be the reason? Why do we get angry? Cause our ego is hurt, why does our ego get hurt when someone shouts at us? It's simply cause we 'Fear being dominated'.... Human beings easily tend to feel dominated by others and try to escape this problem... Deep down inside we know we would be dominated... When we always think someone would dominate us, we tend to try 'escape routes' or 'retorts'... When this becomes a part of our routine, we don't even realize all this and simply blame others for the misunderstandings... We don't even realize that this is ego... and we never realize that this a deep fear which we have never been able to get over... 

Face the Fear... Our fear defines the person we are... Whether we are neurotics or character disordered let us face the fear... Let us see where the fear emerges from, and once we know where it emerges from don't you think we can easily solve our fear and let go off our ego? 

Let me take the example again.. "I was hurt by what you said"... Why was I hurt? I was hurt cause in the same situation I would never tell such a thing... When I would never tell such a thing, I feel I am right.. When I feel I'm right I can easily see the other person being wrong... When I'm right and you're wrong I don't want you to tell me I'm wrong... :) So this is infact the 'fear of domination'.... We make mistakes... Let us allow people to make mistakes... Keep your ego away for a while... :) Teach that person "this is not how it should be dealt, it should be dealt in this way... " "This is what you could've or should've done.. " "This is wrong.. Let me share a few experiences on what happened when I said the samething to someone else"... These are ways we can calm others down... and calm ourselves down... When doing this you'd find Neurotics who would easily falter off a situation, you would find Character Disordered people who would never let go off their ego and would keep blaming you that it was not their fault... Stop getting afraid... You're 'not' being dominated... Keep assuring yourself that the ego is not hurt and empathize with the other person.. Deep empathy is needed to see why the other person is doing it, and why it should even hurt you or the 'ego' that is being defined at that moment..  The other person is just delaying the problem and blaming you, but when they 'do' realize it, it hits them hard... really hard... 

This is just one of the examples which I have learnt only recently and it works for me.. :) Maybe I'm leading an 'ideal' life, but it's definitely working and my fears are slowly vanishing... For Good, and for My Good.. :) The Neurotic in me doesn't fear the Character Disordered anymore :) 

How do you measure love? How different is love from any other positive feeling, let's say happiness? Is there a difference between love and happiness? What or how do you feel when someone says he/she loves you a lot, be it your mom/dad/friend/girlfriend/boyfriend/a child, what do you really feel? Happy? Then how different is it from happiness? I sat and gave it a thought, as to what could really be the difference, what could it be that when people say how much they love each other? what could it really be? Do they mean they are happy with each other? Satisfied with each other? Does everything have to end up being happiness? No? Let's just assume that you're sad, searching for a reason to smile, when someone who you deeply care for, or let's say you 'love' comes and tells you how much she/he loves you, do you feel like crying or smiling? When we say we have 'tears of Happiness', what does it mean? Why do we have to cry when we're happy? Is it love? Isn't the state of Contentment a deep sense of happiness where you need not smile fully, feel the love and feel good about yourself? If love is a bundle of Happiness(mostly), care, contentment, and other positive feelings, why aren't we taught love in schools, colleges and at homes? Why do we hesitate to express our love to the person of the same sex? Is it a bad omen? Do we have to be emotionally attracted to a person of different sex compulsorily? Why is 'love' the ultimate feeling? Why can't everyone love each other? Is it just our 'ego' stopping us ? Aren't we just being slaves to the society? Ofcourse you need not love everyone, people with various intentions exist, who can eat you up while you're sharing a dinner with them, but once we choose a person to be happy with, why does love become a barrier? Am I going to give anything more when I love someone? Am I going 'out of the way' when I love someone ? Am I going to be associated with negative emotions n feelings when I'm in love with someone? Aren't these emotions n feelings we've seen in people and then followed their trend? What holds us back? Why can't we give our 100% ? Why? The big question mark still remains? How is Love different? Why is it the 'mistaken' feeling? 

A detailed journey,

Our souls embraced..

the chaos seems distant now,

I feel touched..

I still remain the unhurt traveller..

the reassuring smile,

perpetually cute tantrums..

Let's fly into the deep blue skies,

Let's swim till the bed of the oceans,

Let's reflect each other,

like the sky and the ocean..

two bodies, two minds,

the twin bonding..

Both your hands fit into one of mine,

but just one of yours holds my life together..

Khoj

dhoondh rahe ho..

tum aadhi zindagi se khush the,

doosron mein apni baaki zindagi dhoondh rahe the?

kaun pasand kare tujhe ae naadaan,

jab poora na kar sake kabhi?

jab tu khush nahi,

teri khushi kaun dekhe?

ummeed ki naav chala rahe the,

jab pralay ki sambhavna thi?

naav ki neev ko pehle tu jod pyaare..

kiski soch ka tu ghulam bane re?

kaala saaya bana raha tu,

jab khud roshni hai tu...

baarah ghante, baarah mahine, baarah saal,

tere vishwaas ki sabak,

tere pyaar ka dilaasa,

khoj tu apne zindagi ka maksad,

khoj tu apne zinda hone ka ehsaas,

khoj tu apni pehchaan,

khoj ae khoj ke bhakt... 

It was a ride.. Lone soul to find life back within him.. The warm breeze, the dust, the negativity that blurred his vision.. The defense, the hatred, the guilt that made others grow, but him.. It was his decision to take this ride to a known far land.. The trust, made him see the place with his eyes closed.. The love, that made him ponder about himself.. 'Why not me?' is what he told himself.. Two arms and two legs moved, but his soul didn't.. His soul wanted to see the destination.. He touches the skies with his bare hands.. Familiar faces, standing beside him, though he has no one around him.. He doesn't stop.. He looks around.. He sees everyone there, but him.. He wants to see himself there, but the blurred vision forces him.. He fights his vision, his soul empowers his mind.. His vision comes back.. It's not blurred anymore.. He sees himself, happy, content, free... He's free from the shackles of negativity.. He loves the moment.. He finds peace instantly.. It takes a few seconds for him to realize he's back... He smiles.. Contented with the moment, his soul is pure now.. For how long though? For a long time he says.. He takes a deep breath and comes back.. Comes back to life, his soul now connected to his body.. The soul says "I'm home"... 

Aazaadi

chehre anek,

maksad ek..

likhte hain koi aur humari kahani,

likhne do, hoga mann unka halka..

soyi hai ye duniya, jaage hum..

band hai unke mann ke dwaar,

par kabhi band na kar payenge hum..

suryasth apni zindagi mein kabhi na aayega,

kyunki apna din wahin se shuru hoga..

kal dekhne ke liye aaj to khatam hone do..

aao is aazaadi ka jashn manaye hum..

is thandi hawa ka anand le..

sabhi tarah ke aansoo bahe,

par har dukh ko khushi se sahe..

har pal mein sau saal dikhe,

har kshan mein zindagi ka gyaan..

har jhonke mein aazaadi mile,

har ummeed ki buniyad badhe..

chehre anek,

maksad ek..

aao is aazaadi ka jashn manaye hum..

phisalti reth..

kyun kaste hain hum mutthi ko, 

jab do hatheli se zyaada samet sakte hain?

sargam pe taal bajti nahi,

ya to taal hoti hi nahi..

maano jaise bhanvre ras peena band karde,

maano jaise dil dhadakna band karde..

upar wala jaise haath chhod de,

jo chehre dikhte the,

woh bhi dhundle se ban gaye.. 

jab door door tak banjar ho,

to kaise zameen gol dikhne lagi?

toofan mein dhool jaise badhti gayi,

baarish mein boonde jaisi sookhti gayi..

kareebi pyaar pe rongte khade nahi hote,

khushi ke aansoo aankhon mein reh gaye..

kaale baadal aankhon pe chaye,

dukh ki odhni ne thandak se bachayi,

par kis khushi mein?

phisalti reth..

kyun kaste hain hum mutthi ko?

do hatheli hamesha zyaada samet sakte hain..

us pal ke intezaar mein jeete ho,

meetha hoga woh, ye to tum jaan gaye ho..

har roz ek naye khoj pe,

samet ke saari baatein dhyaan dete ho..

nanhe kanhaon se ghire rehte ho,

unke chote ungliyon mein duniya bhoolte ho..

woh pyaari si muskurahat hamesha rahe,

khushi tumse hamesha baatein kare.. 

baat baat pe shukriya ada karte ho,

khikhiyaake ke khoob maza lete ho..

samraaton ke kaal to baayan haath ka khel hai,

usme hasi ka to bada mel hai..

achchayi tere saamne masthishq jhukaye,

dosti naam ke pehchaan banaye.. 

kavitha likhke bade bhole bante ho,

ek samay pe paanch cheezon pe dhyaan dete ho!

This lovely little fort down the alley,

caressed by the only ally..

a fireplace always lit when it snowed,

an attic full of raw supplies..

a broken parapet, withered rampart,

which reminded him of the battle..

they tried to pull him down the throne,

he was valourous..

their naked swords,

blood dripping down the tip..

he couldn't stand their malignity,

trebuchets were at work..

they wanted him to be a part of them,

a villa that promised salvation..

he was unscathed..

but the darts poisoned him,

he was alone, in the dungeons,

he came out, revived.. 

he searched frantically,

for the attic, for his fireplace..

he looked out of the window arch..

they spat venom, held torches,

his heart belonged to the castle,

he felt his love for the place..

he felt a dry smile when he saw - 

that the armour would always guard him.. 

Just an attempt at this.. :) 

main banoo re tohri daasi,

ye aankhen hai tohri pyaasi.

aavat hai toh pe maan kya kahoon,

rahe tu jahaan, ek aadh main rahoon.

toh pe pyaar hai ya vishaal nadi,

meetha bana rahe ye sadi dar sadi.

baas baaje hai jahaan tere bol,

chedo na, dwaar to khol.

aayi re, mann ke awaaz pe,

toh ke kadam, chooye re dil pe.

sargam pe mann hamaar chalat hai,

natkhat tohre haat, badi sataati hai.

choodiyaan moh ke anek rang,

lipti rahoon re toh ke ang ang... 

e insaan..

tanhayee ke tum khud hi maalik,

kyun saap paalte rahe tum virana?

kyun chandan bane rahe tum?

utar jayenge ye saap to koi aur base..

e insaan..

banjar me bhi paani mile,

kate hue pairon ko raahat mile,

vish ka vishay chodo,

aage sheher hai bada suhana.... 

Tum Ho Toh

nam hui jo palken meri,

ye teri khushi ki meherbani..

jab aaina dekhta hoon har subah,

to teri muskurahat din bana deti hai..

har mushkil mein jo ro de man mera,

to tum mujhe hasna sikhate ho..

mere muh pe logon ne kabhi na thooka,

peeth peeche baat karte rahe kayar,

tumhari aankhon ne mujhe sab dikhaya..

zameen pe toot ke gir gaya tha,

jab tumne mujhe pairon pe khada kiya..

sab kehte rahe, kisi ne ek na suni,

paagalon ki tarah apni duniya mein mast tha,

thappad maarke kaan dene waale bhi tum hi the..

teri namrata se aankhen bhar aayi dost,

tum nahi hote to kabr pe rone waala koi na hota...  

I was enamoured by your candid beauty,

Your hair being the epitome of panache..

A sweet smile always shone,

with ecstasy floating in the air..

I showered you with cornucopia of love,

relieved you of all weariness..

Your gentle touch on my face,

lit a torch of warmth within my heart..

A trust that could never wither,

A song that could never end,

Collapsed.. in the blink of an eye..

Perhaps, another prey of the malice,

of your pure face, but hideous mind..

You seek for many I know now,

you are succumbed to the gaiety pleasures..

your audacity, to still smile at me,

like nothing ever went wrong...

The abhorrence,

The feeling to see strangulation scars,

on the place which holds my precious gift..

Slitting your veins with the same diamond..

Seeing your pretty face blood stained,

that once showed me the face of love...

Your plea to let go off you,

When I ram my head onto yours,

for betraying my mad love... 

There would be justice to this besetment..

you wouldn't flaunt your protean talent..

but when I ease the knife in your gut,

I'd still love you..

There would be tears in my eyes,

while I lie beside you on the proscenium,

with the blade through my heart,

and the curtains close behind me..

When the night breeze turned into a gentle zephyr,

and when the anvil lost its heat..

I held my lantern high up,

and walked on the rails towards the yard..

I could hear sounds of sniffing..

A crippled dog, black as the night..

Blood oozing out of his nostrils,

as he swore to tear me apart..

I stood my ground, feet felt damp..

He could've chosen to slaughter my face,

but he waited, I felt his wrath..

He barely could stand, but his claws shone..

He neared me, my feet wouldn't move.. 

I trusted the night, it would pass,

I prayed to the stars, my feet dropped dead..

I could hear my mum's sweet lullaby..

Leave me be.. my Fear spoke to him..

My eyes froze, I felt his breath..

His face got closer,

as he whispered his dinner prayer..

I still hoped to live,

until I saw his decayed tail..

It stood like a mighty sword,

Askin me to pray to my Lord..

He slowly slid his claws through my chest,

My mouth gushed thick blood..

I sunk into my own sweat..

He had a wry smile,

I was the end for his ennui that night..

it was the end of my own..

Within twelve waking moments,

Ended my four lettered Life... 

It feels like I know you,

Your actions are from the future..

Time routes itself through my nerves,

and I see you before the time shows itself up...

The result is uncertain..

Everything gets hazy around me,

I just wanted to do good to you..

My mind reviles itself..

My heart pounds with anxiety..

Unanswered questions,

show me the gift of my existence,

They still remain though..

I wanna spare you a moment,

Feel the pain you showed me before,

would you wither?

My hands tremble as I reach out,

I don't want to hurt you anymore...

The guilt is unnerving..

I fail to see happiness...

I fail to see myself in the mirror,

I see what I shouldn't have..

negates all the sweet surprises..

Forces my power out of me.. 

I still live,

Hoping I'd be prepared..

I still live,

cause what matters is my Present...

The future is why I still live.. 

With my eyes open,

I see your tranquil sleep..

Your eyes are closed,

but I know you still see me.. 

The best mirror for my smile,

is your eyes when it gleams..

Kissed by the cool breeze, you dream,

and you smile, knowing that I'm watching you..

Your half awakened eyes,

Your sweet morning smile,

Makes me realize,

We're living our dream... :) 

Its so funny how you get used to different kinds of clocks and watches.. One, always tied to my wrist.. The watch is very dear to me, so I see the time and smile. The one on my cell phone's always 5 minutes slower than my wrist watch. I know it is. What's the point of keeping it 5 minutes slower when you know it? I dunno. There are some facts about time which I could never answer. The clock in my living room. It has a nice pendulum attached, which swings away to glory. This one's 5 minutes faster than my wrist watch. Why? Probably not to miss a serial? Who knows. The famous clock on my workstation. It always tells me when to leave :) 

What I do like the most about time is the fact it's there.. Always. Whether you're lost or not, whether you're happy or sad, whether you're bugged or chirpy, whether you're living or alive, it's there. Always. So there is no point in cursing time. Time would never die nor would it get sick of being there with you. 

Life is just a full circle. 360 degrees of timed beauty. Imagine what would happen 3 o' clock never taught you the "Right" angle of life? Imagine what would happen if the 12 never taught the 6 to stand straight on its feet. We would never have been leaders without time. Time and again time has taught us how to time it right. 

Some people don't have enough time to be themselves. Yes, it's a big thing. I have faced it. Still learning the mystery behind it. My right hand never gets the timing of my left on my synthesizer. One day both would smile at each other when I have the time to time them right. I keep bugging my friends to give me a topic to write, but only when it is time I would realize it's the right thing to write about. Time always heals You, but have you ever tried healing time? Seems funny right? Hmmm.. Guess it is.. Let's just say "Time is an Item which Emits Mite(read Might)" 

A small dedication to The Man... James Hetfield...

When I Turned the page,

I saw Nothin else matters...

And when the Sandman entered

The Hero of the day rescued us all..

I was unhappy being the Unforgiven,

until I realized you were Unforgiven 2

and he too joined in and made it Unforgiven 3

Until I Disappear,

and it Fades to Black,

The Master of puppets,

shall Welcome us all home to the Sanitarium...

The Call of the ktulu,

Sad but true is the Fuel

for my Unnamed Feeling..

when the Devils Dance,

Wherever I may roam,

or when the bell tolls

and the Battery dies

The memory remains

and Nothin Else Matters...